.svg)
dear diary,
*tw - low self esteem, mentions of weight vaguely
- i am really negative in this so if you’re trying to protect your peace and skip this one, i totally understand, love you!
i just got my pictures done for work and i love them but hate how i look. my friend took the photos and she did an amazing job, i just hate my face.
the face my parents gave me. the soft jawline my mom had, but it was so beautiful on her, why do i hate it on me?
it’s funny how we can see our parents and think they look great, but not ourselves, even when we are a mixture of them.
i love that i’m starting to look more like my mom who has passed, but why do i still look in the mirror and not like what i see? am i calling my mom ugly? i would never.
maybe it’s simply the fact that it’s me. that no matter what i look like at 23, i will always compare it to 16. but why do i compare myself to a child? i am a woman, who has a woman body, and a woman face.
my husband says i look great, but isn’t he supposed to say that lol? i quietly wonder if he’s disappointed in how my body has changed. i have fluctuated very different numbers during our relationship in terms of weight. like night and day differences. i’m working on getting back to a healthier weight and my body has started to change in ways that i like. i’ve received compliments. why is it never enough for me?
i’ll get my hair done and my best friend literally nails it perfectly, yet i still feel ugly. i got my makeup done for my photoshoot, everyone said it was so gorgeous and i still felt ugly.
there’s always a catch to things i like about myself. i hate the shape of my face. it’s a heart shape, which should be attractive but my face is big. i have a big ass, but my legs and stomach are also big. i am strong, but my arms aren’t toned so it’s ugly to me. my haircut fits my face very well, but it only cooperates like once a week. every positive thing about my appearance has a catch in my eyes.
nobody in my life necessarily makes me feel this way. my friends compliment me plenty, i have been flirted with in public and i turn them down. my husband’s coworkers tell him i’m hot. why do i not believe any of them? i feel confident sometimes, then i see photos of myself. my double chin is constantly there. that’s my least favorite part.
i see my friends who are effortlessly beautiful. victoria is gorgeous, with a beautiful frame, face, hair… even when her hair is greasy and she doesn’t have a lick of makeup on, she can make an entire room stop and stare. at least i do. audrey, kyliegh, all of them.
i think what will suck is when we start having children, which is sooner than later. i will likely hate my body, even if i get it to a good place before conceiving. logically, i know that women's bodies change, especially as a young adult and during motherhood. emotionally, that doesn't seem to matter.
i have zero trouble finding the beauty in others. some women are pretty like flowers, others are pretty like christmas lights. both look very different, but both so so lovely. why do i view myself as neither? i can talk someone through their insecurities and make them feel loved in a way nobody has ever made them feel before. i give so much, 110%, and most of humanity doesn't give that back. i think that's what hurts the most.
sorry for such a negative post, i tend to stay positive no matter what but i am unfortunately human. i have diagnosed pmdd, which is premenstrual dysphoric disorder. in an oversimplified way, it's PMS times two, 1-2 weeks before your period. once you start bleeding, you go back to normal. i also am a little nervous for my mri. by the time this is posted, it will have already happened. i don't think anything is wrong with my head, but the mri is just to make sure. what if something is wrong and none of the stupid shit i mentioned above will even matter? isn't it so weird how priorities can shift in a millisecond? my pmdd is much worse in the colder months, so i think this is my lovely introduction to late fall.
i know my husband will stand by me no matter what. i have found my person for real, but doubt creeps in. insecurity warps this perception of perfection. i know my friends love me, and that i have such an amazing situation at 23 years old. i feel awful for being unhappy sometimes. i have pretty much everything i've ever wanted right now. i get upset for being upset, but if it was someone else telling me this, i would tell them that we are human, and it's okay to be upset for no seemingly apparent reason.
if you've read this far, i hope that if you feel this way, you don't feel alone, because clearly you're not. i would hug you, tell you how absolutely beautiful inside and out you are. i would tell you how i love the way your hair falls effortlessly in the perfect position, how you always have the cutest smile lines, and how your eyes have this look in them that are irresistible. i would tell you that the way you greet me makes my day a little better, and how your laugh echoes in the best way. i hope someone sees those little things about me that would make me beautiful.
i just word-vomit all over the page. i hope this makes sense. thank you for reading.
love,
cherry
♡ ───────── ♡
No comments:
Post a Comment